Sustaining Life When You Can’t Create It

March 2  -  Weeks Trying to Get Pregnant: 52  –  Cycle 12

Wow, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for a year! I’ve known for the last six months that there was a 50% chance I’d end up here. How I wished to be in the other half! Crossing this milestone at least means we can take some steps and move closer to either some answers & assistance or at least crossing some potential problems off the list. In reality, even though I feel like I’ve been put through the ringer for the past 12 months, this journey is probably just beginning.

I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out how I can convey what I’m feeling at this moment, but it feels impossible. So instead, I’m  first going to tell you how I feel giving blood and platelets.

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February Check-In #18in18

February was a blur. Some months you just have to hold on, right? I’ve been very encouraged by my 18 in 18 journey so far and haven’t felt any of the usual guilt or dread that one does with traditional new year’s resolutions. That said, I might need to just accept that it will take me all 12 months to cross some of these off my list, and that is just okay.

Here’s how I’m stacking up so far…

Previously Completed:

  • ✓ Join bone marrow registry
  • ✓ Sort clothes for give away or throw away

Run a 5k without stopping

Yikes. I don’t think this is going to happen at my April 5k. It turns out that trying to buy a house involves a lot of last minute schedule changes. That makes getting to the gym hard. Back in August, I was really good about going to the gym in the mornings, so perhaps I’ll make a March attempt at that with hopes of crossing this off in April, but I might have to keep at this item for longer than I’d hoped.

Try meditation

I’ve decided to try this 30-day guided meditation series from Revinery29. It’s free and I like that week one starts with 5 minute meditations. I think I’ll look to do my meditation in our guest bedroom when I get home from work.

Read 10 books

This month I read Turtles All the Way Down. I’m almost finished with two more books. I’m looking forward to heading to the library once I get done with these! 1/12 completed

Do a freezer prep

This is happening at the end of March. BUT we still need to figure out our recipes.

Go to: exhibit, music thing, theatre thing

I’ve done some art and I’m gearing up for True/False Film Festival, but nothing yet on these three things.

Picnic with Mark

It still hasn’t truly been warm enough and I kind of doubt I’ll have time in March, so I’m going to pencil this in for April.

Give up caffeinated soda

Another yikes. I’ve definitely gotten past the caffeine addiction, but I’m still craving that pick-me-up. I’ve improved, but I’m still not there yet. 0/12

Screen free one night per week

I’m blaming this on the house hunting again. Our schedule is so hard to predict right now. I’m not sure how much better we’ll be at this in March, but I at least would like to do less background noise TV watching. I do not need to be reading on my computer and have an episode of something playing. 0/12

Finish outstanding professional development courses

I haven’t set up a schedule yet for this, but I think I’m going to set aside 3:30-5pm on Fridays at work to start on the design program courses.

Make one technical bake from Great British Bake Off

I think I’m going to make Mary Berry’s Viennese Whirls in June for our anniversary. Yay!

Respond to emails within 24 hours (even just to acknowledge receipt)

This was another month where I probably didn’t strictly follow the 24 hour rule, but I did pretty darn well. And additionally, I’ve been going through my entire inbox every Friday just to make sure I haven’t missed anything that needed follow-up. Giving credit for the spirit if not the letter. 2/12

Participate in NaNoWriMo

Not until November 🙂

Organize hangout with new coworkers

Zero progress on this. Maybe March Madness will give me an opportunity and I can get people together to walk to a bar down the street to watch a game after work.

Enjoy Mid-Mo trails by foot or bike

For how crummy the weather is, I’m going to give this one to myself. I walked around Peace Park once and a neighborhood trail another time. 1/12

Get coffee/lunch with different person from church each month

I haven’t explicitly gone to coffee or lunch, but I have had several planned social events with new people from church, so I’m going to count this one. 2/12

Buy a house!

Well, we’ve tried! We put in an offer on one house and got rejected out of hand. Then we offered full price on another home in the same neighborhood but got beat out by someone else who offered a day before us. We have a showing tonight and tomorrow evening, but if neither of those work out then we are just waiting for more homes to come on the market.


February 9  -  Weeks Trying to Get Pregnant: 49  –  Cycle 11

Mark mentioned the other day how exhausting it is to share with people about our current state of disappointment at being thus far unable to get pregnant. We have a big thing at my church about not just asking surface level questions and really going deeper to care about how the people in our community, our small group, are doing. So there is a desire to be transparent about our weaknesses, fears, hopes, and struggles. But as much as we might want to be open with our struggles in this area and receive support, it’s not really as simple as it might seem.

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January Check-In #18in18

For 2018, I didn’t quite do resolutions. Instead, I picked 18 things I wanted to accomplish in 2018, focusing as much as possible on discrete items. Some of them ended up being less discrete, so I’m measuring them by assessing it monthly and aiming for at least 8/12 months where I can claim success. Here is how I’m doing so far:

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Children That Never Were

January 12— Weeks Trying to Get Pregnant: 45 — Cycle 10

That subheader is misleading. Cycle 10 is out. It’s still here, but it’s out. Six week left until it’s been a year. I have the new patient questionnaire from the reproductive endocrinologist to prove it.

I have somewhat regular cycles which I track methodically, so for the last several months, I have been able to pinpoint exactly the day when my body switches from preparing for pregnancy to preparing for menstruation. Did you know that many women’s breasts get really sore a few days after they ovulate? That’s because their levels of progesterone increase causing an expansion in their milk ducts. Isn’t that crazy? It’s 37 weeks before the due date, and already a woman’s body is preparing to sustain life outside the womb. Continue reading


December 8 — Weeks Trying to Get Pregnant: 40 — Cycle 9

This would be a terrible month to get pregnant, so of course I think it will be the magic cycle. My estimated due date if this is the cycle would be at the very end of August. I would still not be eligible for FMLA, my boss is getting married and going on a honeymoon in the middle of September, and one of my major annual events that I run is the third Wednesday of September. I also have a friend’s wedding out of state in September and I’d love to go to that. Still, we were not willing to not try this cycle. It is what it is.

Will I have to quit my job or go back to work two weeks after giving birth? Am I worrying for no reason because our efforts are unknowingly futile? Continue reading